vancityrockgirl.com

yes. 

the new blog looks to be up and running.

and as soon as i figure out how, i’m going to import all these old posts into the new blog. 

http://vancityrockgirl.com/

enjoy please.  it’s costing me money. 

xoxox

coming soon

this is today’s project.

http://vancityrockgirl.com/

stay tuned.

oh the pain…

srsly.  i have had just about enough of this gallbladder business. 

yesterday i’m out at lunchtime, having a coffee with a work pal (i know, i totally made a friend, yey!) and all of a sudden my back starts aching.  like, badly.  so i figure that maybe i’m sitting in a bad chair or something… so i’m shifting around, trying to get comfy, but it just keeps steadily getting worse. 

so we head back to the office, and the walk is killing me.  every step is making the ache worse, but i don’t want to be that complaining girl, so i just try to suck it up. 

i get back to my desk and sit down.  but no, that makes the pain worse.  so i get up and pace around my office.  nope, that’s EVEN WORSE.  so i shut my door and lay down on the ground.  a little better.  i do some yoga stretches, but no, it feels worse again. 

now i’m starting to get nauseous.  this is bad news.  the room gets a little spinny, so i head to the washroom, thinking that puking in my office is probably bad form.  after a minute or two of pacing around my washroom, i decide that i can’t take this anymore. 

i go back to my desk and take the only 2 advils i have in my purse and sit down.  i do what any sensible human would.  i google “back pain” and nausea.  oh lookie what the internet says… it kmight be my pancreas, often caused by gallbladder problems.  up until this point it hasn’t even occurred to me that my gallbladder is the culprit.  all previous gallbladder pain has felt like someone is squeezing my ribs, not like they’re stabbing my back. 

so i figure i had better go to the hospital.  like stat.  because i can’t really breathe well anymore.  so i gather up my stuff and mumble something to my boss and the receptionist about the hospital and leave.

then it’s decision time.  i hate st pauls.  its always super busy and you wait forever… BUT, it is only 2 blocks away.  and i feel like i’m going to die.  but then, i’m thinking that if there’s a chance they might keep me in overnight, i do not want to be there. 

so i get on the bus to the skytrain station, skytrain to broadway, change trains to lougheed and arrive 45 minutes later.  one of the worst rides of my life.  my mom picks me up and whisks me over to eagle ridge hospital.  they sign me in, take my blood pressure, temp and pulse.  my temp is high, i have a fever and my blood presure and pulse are up too.  they tell me to sit down while they get me a bed.  so i sit.  FOR 2 AND A HALF HOURS.  WTF?  i seriously thought i was going to die.  and they left me in the waiting room while they took everyone else in ahead of me.  they even took this old man that came in to have the wax removed from his ears.  yep, BIG emergency there. 

apparently they didn’t have any more beds, but everyone else only needed a chair in the emerg.  so i had to wait.  good times.  apparently the fact that i was in a chair already in the waiting room didn’t really matter.  i needed pain killers.   badly. 

anyways, long story short, they did blood tests and stuff and gave me the most brutal shot ever in my arm muscle for the pain.  i have a massive bruise and goose egg on my arm from it.  it hurts.  and yes, i didn enjoy the irony that the painkiller caused me a massive amount of pain.  i was sad i didn’t get the morphine like last time. 

and then they gave me more percacets and told me that if the pain comes back, to come back to the hospital (again) and take a percacet.  oh, and also to go on a diet. 

ugh.  i am so over you gallbladder.  why won’t you work properly damn it.  you had better not pull this crap when i’m in vegas. 

*cough*

i’m drunk.

and i almost shed a tear tonight for TL

seriously… i love how the media decided he was retiring.

whatevs.

so long captain canuck.

oh yee of little faith

i gotta say it.

i don’t think the canucks are making the playoffs.

i know there’s still two games left and anything can happen, but i have lost the faith.  i’m sorry.

…maybe next year? 

bidniss

well, i’m out to the east.

in toronto until thursday night.

so more blogging friday.

or maybe from my hotel if i have time.

news of the day

huh.

patrick swayze is dying.

http://perezhilton.com/2008-03-05-its-true-2

and then…

here’s the part of the day where i entertain/distract myself with online shopping.

i totally just bought myself a bunch of shit on ebay.

note to self.  you have no money.  stop buying things online. 

confessions

with apologies (or perhaps homage) to ZJ, this is totally my “confessions of a confessaholic” post. 

i am an actor.  i act all the time.  non-stop.  lately i’ve spent a lot of time acting happy.  i am so not. 

last night i totally lost it and spend over an hour crying, talking to my man about how i hate so much about my life.  mostly about how i appear to have lost all passion for everything i used to care about, and i have no idea how to get it back.  it was kind of a low moment to say the least. 

i know a lot of it has to do with losing my job almost 2 years ago.  it wasn’t just a job, it was my life, and i cared more and put more of myself into that job than i ever have anything else in my life.  and it ended.  badly.  i was really depressed after.  like really depressed.  i spent hours a day crying hysterically.  i didn’t eat.  i didn’t sleep.  all i could do was replay scenarios over and over in my head and make myself crazy.  it was brutal.  finally i stopped letting it out, mostly because i knew i was going to ruin my relationship and push away all my friends if i didn’t get my shit together.  so i did what any actor does.  i buried it deep and let it randomly spurt forth in the form of anger, sarcasm and bitterness.  so healthy.  i know.

the biggest byproduct of this whole mess seems to be my career.  i have lost all desire to work hard and do well at a job.  i just keep thinking why bother?  you work hard, love what you do and spend every waking moment thinking and doing you job, and one day it all ends.  it’s a lot like a bad breakup.  it’s like we were married and i thought everything was great and perfect, and then one day i find out he’s leaving and has a mistress and i’m out on my ass with no warning.  and now, like the bad breakup, i have trust issues.  and i really don’t know how to keep going.  so i’ve just kind of stopped. 

every morning when my alarm goes off i lay there for 26 minutes and think about all possible scenarios or excuses i could make to not leave my house.  how can i avoid my life today?  my best days are saturday and sunday because i often don’t leave the house at all.  i sit on the couch with my guy, we watch movies and tv and read books.  basically i can completely ignore reality and live in my bubble.

over the last few months, and particularly over the last few weeks i have wanted to stay in that bubble more and more.  some mornings i cry in the shower because i don’t want to go out. 

the only thing i’ve been able to focus on has been the wedding plans.  it’s kind of like a ray of sunshine in my day and something to focus on that’s positive.  but apparently i’ve gone off the deep end.  no one cares about this “project” as much as i do… but because i’m excited i want to share it.  i talk about it too much.  i know it’s true… but it’s really only because i don’t want to talk about anything else.  i don’t want to talk about my life or my job because it’s dragging me down just living it.  i don’t need to discuss it too.  

i don’t really know what’s going on with me.  the only thing i really DO know is that it’s not relationship problems.  my guy is the highlight of any day.  and most of the time when i’m doing what’s required of me on this planet currently, coming home to him is the thing i look forward to most.  so i am very lucky in that way. 

i realized last night when i was unloading all of this on him, that i’ve never really said any of it.  i’m very mothering and far more concerned with helping everyone else with their problems than talking about mine.  plus i am an actor.  i act.  he was really upset by it all.  mostly because he doesn’t know how to help me. 

and neither do i.  my days have become so strange… i don’t really feel alive most days.  i realized that often i don’t speak a single word until 6pm when i get home to my guy.  i get up, get on the train, the bus, sit in my office where no one talks to me and then take the bus and train home.  i’ve been trying not to spend money, so i don’t get a coffee or lunch anymore.  i barely talk.  those of you that actually know me in real life may find that shocking.  i used to be that girl that you couldn’t shut up… and now i don’t talk.  today i have yet to say a word and i’ve been up for 6 and a half hours.

i run in this weird auto-pilot mode where i’m glazed over and don’t think, i just go through the motions.  and then i get to go home, have about 4 hours of a nice day and then go to bed and do it all again the next day.  throw in my insomnia issues, and it’s been a pretty depressing life lately.  i just want to sleep all the time, but i get into bed and toss and turn and stress myself out until i can’t sleep at all. 

i’m worried about what will happen after the wedding when i don’t have anything good to put my energy into.  a new job in june will help.  but then when i start thinking about what kind of job, and what i want to do, i get even more unsure. 

i guess i’m just depressed.  and i’ve never really been this way, so it’s been pretty hard to handle.  i haven’t been doing as well suppressing it as i thought i was, i guess. 

backfire?

my mom sent me this.
like “oh my god, look how gross this is, you’re never doing this”

i look at it, and go “cool”

i mean, the finished product is amazing… but honestly, i could never do this. i don’t have the tolerance for this kind of pain.
but it does look really boss.
however, i’d go the pussy route and just get a red tattoo instead.